Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
