She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
