Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
