WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
