Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
