I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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