Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
