forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
