if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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