Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
