So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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