My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's blow job season.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
