everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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