if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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