I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
