I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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