Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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