it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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