I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
