That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
