yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
