to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
