I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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