Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
