I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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