just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
