I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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