Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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