so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
