i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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