Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Are we still banned from the library?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
