Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
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It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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