Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
