She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
