Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
