dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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