May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
