We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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