Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
