if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
