you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
