my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
