ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
