We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
