she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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