Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
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I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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