dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
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stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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