I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
