Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
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I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
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Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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