got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
