She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
