I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.