I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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