I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
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Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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