Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
