I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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