If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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