Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up