At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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